Learning From My Boot

My foot graduated today. I said good-bye to the neon pink cast that has covered the top half of my right foot since surgery a week ago. Had my first post-op dr. visit today and got a good report, despite the fact that my foot is black and blue, still swollen and still stitched up. I think it looks terrible...no, it looks disgusting. But I'll take the doc's word for it that it looks like it's supposed to. Considering. So now I'm in this behemoth of a boot - a combination of black velcro, plastic supports and padding. And when I walk, it forces my leg to do this rocking thing so I don't put weight on the ball of my foot. And surprisingly, despite its massiveness, it's easier to walk in than the half-cast/surgical shoe combo.

I've spent a lot of time sitting (and sleeping) with my leg elevated. I've watched old movies on Netflix, taken naps, done some hand-sewing and learned to use crutches (my first time ever). My first couple of days post-op, I was going downstairs on my rear and coming back up on my knee...on a spiral staircase. But I never fell and laundry has stayed reasonably caught up. I've learned new ways to do stuff that I never think about. Like you, I just do them.

Some other stuff that has surfaced in the last week has gone beyond the trivial. Has a little ouch factor to it. I might as well laugh at the irony.

Just two weeks ago in church I took a step and shared "a word of testimony." It's straining my brain to try to think of a less-churchy way than that to describe it. Sorry. I got up, shared a song with our church family (on CD) and then talked a little about why it was meaningful to me. The song isn't new -- it's "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North - I think it came out in '08. But I just discovered it this summer, and because of some deep stuff God was doing, it felt like breath to me.

Generally speaking, I'm of the philosophy that being specific is more helpful than being vague - especially when it comes to talking about how God is changing us. I'm a concrete thinker -- I make progress when I can nail stuff down and think specifically. So in that spirit, I shared with my church family the crux of what God was leading me away from.

Self-protection. Living like I'm better off assuming the worst - that way I won't be caught off guard when it happens. The problem is, you start living as though those dreamed-up scenarios are REAL. This way of doing life is like letting a thief into your house and saying, "Have at it," and watching them plunder your home and belongings. There's a lot more to it than that, but that paints the picture well enough. Especially for those of you who identify with it, even a little.

So I was sharing on Sunday about how God was working with me, leading me to Himself. Finding who He is to be enough. Not his gifts, but Him. When I'm defined by Him, finding "my most coherent sense of self" in Him (that's Brennan Manning's phrase), I'm free to release self-protection. This isn't the first time I've acknowledged or addressed this thing. But after the events of this summer, I know I'm in a different place -- even if just a little, my thinking is different and I'm living out of truth more often.

So back to the present. Last Friday I had foot surgery - a pretty uncomplicated outpatient procedure. Came home, got myself situated to rest, and within a few hours it started. A few things happened that caught me off guard, and I started a slow descent to a place in my mind that left me bound up. I wasn't prepared for the mental onslaught that the enemy served up. I didn't wield my Sword like I know how to do. I didn't take thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ like I know how to do. Instead, I succombed to destructive thoughts and hardness crept in again. And it was like a garment I wore for a few days. So unflattering.

It's like this boot I'm wearing...every step I take I'm reminded that I have to be careful. To take it slow. To be alert to my surroundings so I don't do something that'll ruin the progress my foot has made so far in its healing. If I didn't have the boot on, I wouldn't be as aware of my need to be alert.

This area of life feels like an inner limp; it just stays tender. I remember once when a wise woman who was getting to know me asked, "What is your limp?" She wanted to know what God had allowed into my life that was keeping me dependent on Him.

Maybe the tenderness isn't all bad. Maybe it's like this boot...a reminder to be careful. To avail myself of what has been provided so that my soul can mature to greater wholeness and maturity.

I want the skirmishes that are waged across the battlefield of my mind to end in victory on the side of Christ. He gives me Himself so I can stand on the Truth. To put on the armor I've been given, to wield the Sword that sends the enemy to flight.

"No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, And their vindication is from Me," declares the LORD." Isaiah 54:17

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
II Corinthians 10:3-5