Oh boy, it's been a long time since I've been here. April 19 -- and here it is October 8. Honestly, I feel like I survived the summer, and that's sad. It's stuff still too raw to voice here, at least yet. Something I learned on a whole new level this summer was how tempting it is to let hurt cloud my judgment. Also, how much insecurity robs me of being able to love others well. Yuck. That's another topic for another post, though.

And then on July 31, life changed. Paul got the call about the church here in Richey, and 22 days later we were here in the parsonage, surrounded by boxes, with three days before our kids would start school. Talk about a whirlwind move. But amidst the craziness, I was aware that God had provided. He had answered my prayer.

But I need to back up. In late June or early July, all that was before me seemed to be one huge, looming question mark. "Still no direction, Lord? How much longer?" I wondered. So I prayed a crazy prayer. I asked God that we would not only know where we'd be going, but we'd even be there before school started. The possibility of moving to Richey, Montana, was a remote little flicker in the back of my mind. I knew they were without a pastor, and there were a few things that seemed to be matching up. But still, I thought, "No way. Richey!? We've already done the extreme rural thing. And those were good years -- really good years. But, I mean...Richey??"

But back to that prayer. I knew I was praying the crazy. But my heart weighed heavily for my kids. I didn't want them to start school in Fairview, be plucked out of school after a few months and start all over, mid-stream, somewhere else. I so much didn't want to put them through that. And Paul was praying something specific, too. He asked that we'd have some kind of direction by the end of July. Well, July was ticking down, and there was nothing concrete on the horizon.

But, July 31 came, and Paul got the call about the church in Richey. I'll skip through the details of all the candidating, etc. Suffice it to say, it was fast and pretty uncomplicated as far as job changes go.

So I've entered back into the PW world -- pastor's wife. I guess I have to laugh at myself in all the thoughts that that title triggers for me. I think it boils down to taking the bait or just living in love. I'm here, so because I'm in Christ and He is in me, I can be all here. I can be free to love because there's no real threat. There's stuff I perceive as threats, but God is leading me to walk away from the fear that fuels those perceptions.

So, here we are in this little village. There's about 200 people in the town, and I genuinely appreciate many of the parts of living in a place like this. My kids are free to ride their bikes around town, and they're safe. I can send Isaac down the street to the grocery store for a gallon of milk, and the people already know him. The lady in the store marks the purchase down in this little book, Isaac initials it, and that's it. There's a Bible club led by a couple ladies from our church, and the information about Bible club is included in the e-mails put out by the public school. And as far as places like this being backward, you have to live here to realize that's a myth. People are people wherever you go. Our surroundings largely determine what we value, what we worry about, what we think about, how we plan.

Shopping isn't at the center of life here. When we moved to Fairview last year, I was glad to be free of the constant barage of advertising and the lure of materialism. And then we moved to an even more remote place with the nearest store of any substance 45 miles away. Not that materialism will ever be a non-issue, but it changes the temptation considerably when it's not constantly in front of you. I like a simpler life. I like it that my life doesn't revolve around Wal-Mart or Target. I love the wide, open sky. I love that I can ride my bike down the highway -- even down the middle if I want -- the traffic is that sparse. I guess I'll know if I'm feeling rebellious if I decide to do that. Some of us are so wild, huh. ha!!

It just occurred to me that this is the first time since April that I've felt any desire to blog, to let thoughts flow like this in black and white. I think that's a good sign -- moving toward knowing and being known instead of staying in a corner because you don't want people to know you're bleeding. Like a lot of people, if I'm not in a good place inside, I don't want to see what I'm thinking or feeling in black and white.

If I were to summarize what God is teaching me at this season of my life, it would be these things, all things borne out of difficulty. Seems that's how most of us learn the big stuff.
1. Because I am in Him, I am free to love. Free to give and receive love.
2. I am not who others say I am. I am who God says I am. I know God's plan for me is to serve his Church, and for now that involves a role that often feels uncomfortable to be. But, role or not, who I am is who God says I am. I want to increasingly see those around me through the same lens. They are not who I say they are, especially the ones who've caused hurt. They are loved greatly and in the same process I'm in.
3. I am free to walk away from fear toward love. Fear in relationships, fear that something will happen to my kids. Fear of betrayal, of rejection. All those fears rob me/us of the strength for the day. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." I want that to mark my life to a much greater degree.
4. If I love God, I love what He loves, and He loves His church. So there's no giving up on the Church, no checking out. The God of all creation offers me strength out of Himself to be empowered to grasp his love, to live beyond my own nature. To resemble who he is. As I do that, I'll contribute my part to His body.
5. There is hope. Not that stuff will turn out how I expect or desire, but that God is at work, and He can be trusted to provide everything needed for the moment.

So, my friends, that's where I've been since April and where I'm at today. Time to get some laundry done now. :-)