No picture today. Lots of stuff on my mind, though.
One of the biggest -- I'll even go so far as to call it epic -- things God has been leading me through lately is about walking away from fear. Specifically, the fear of man. To be even more precise, having to have the approval of man to be OK.
"I'm OK if you tell me I'm OK. Who I am, inside and out, is as valuable as others tell me it is. If I'm affirmed, I'm OK. If I'm criticized or not wanted, then what? What do I do if someone doesn't like me or want me?"
It's so easy to pinpoint in others' lives. But brutal to admit about yourself.
It boils down to fear; something I'm way too acquainted with. I distinctly remember when it started. I was six years old and we moved a few hours away where my Dad had taken a new job. I don't remember feeling happy in that place except for a few times at the little country school where I went. We spent just under a year there, and nearly every night I had nightmares. It was as though fear came in that year and set up resisidence in my spirit.
Here I am 30 years later and see what fear has done. It's a thief. It robs you of joy and the ability to love -- to give it and receive it. There's no truth in fear. It's deceptive.
Yet, in the kindness of God, my eyes were opened to this in a new way about six weeks ago. The truth is what loosens bonds, and the truth is that I don't have to fear. I'm learning to take deliberate steps away from fear. Fear that I'm not thought well of. Fear that I'm going to look like a fool. Fear that when I try to give love I'll be blown off. Fear that transformation isn't real. Most of us can fill in the blanks.
The real question isn't so much what am I afraid of, but am I living by faith or in unbelief? Will I believe what God has spoken over me? What will I miss out on if I persist in unbelief? I have the choice to persist in the idolatry of seeking the approval of man or in loving God by believing Him. When His words rule my mind, and thus my words, attitudes and actions, then He is truly reigning in my life.
I want to learn to love. Loving flows from Truth. And Truth is a Person. I get to know Jesus -- the living, Source of truth. I can receive his life-giving breath into my spirit every day. This is what strengthens me to walk away from fear. To call fear what it is and walk toward love instead.
For me, here's the shape walking aways from fear has taken: to contact a friend instead of waiting and wondering why she doesn't contact me. To leave a message on my husband's voice mail telling him I'm thinking of him and thankful for the person he is, that I get to share life with him. To move toward him and ask him how he's doing, especially when it involves a misunderstanding between us, instead of retreating and withdrawing.
I'm so in process. Inconsistent. Yet I have right now, and at this moment, Father, I'm pressing in close, wanting to live the life you said I could live in You. Fill me with Yourself so that what comes out of me looks more like You.
